What being dead feels like

I, over the past few weeks, have come to know what it feels like to be dead. I have been so busy with classes, homework and work. I left the lawn for a full month without mowing it. I was very amazed that it was still alive today when I mowed...it only took me about an hour and I had to unclog the lawnmower three times. I filled the whole trash can with the clippings. It is a good thing that we have two.

I have thought many times over the past few weeks of great ideas for posts...this is not one of them. This is me at 11:00 pm at night, tired...exhausted and trying to not have too much time between posts (ignore the two week gap since my last post). So there, at least there is something else posted.

Like sounds on the wind

So when I started this blog I decided to write everyday, and did for about 5 days. So what happened? School. I have never been the greatest student but I have found that I am spending a lot more time actually reading everything for my classes. I do not think I have ever bothered before to read for classes where reading is not necessary, but this year I have even read for those classes, it is a great change. It is as if being accountable to this blog has made me want to do better which makes no sense as Annie has only just discovered that it exists and other then that no one but me and my wife know about it; therefore, no body to be accountable to, just the blog.

I have also be more involved in school then in the past: like taking time to be involved in clubs, well just one really but really involved. I feel better about myself then I have in a while though I still recognize many areas where I can improve. I hope that this will last, and that I can remember to not abandon my blog for so long, as it is a great tool for me to work on becoming a better person and more professional student. Thank you blog...and people...and God, always God!

Growing Up

I am not growing up, or at least I don't notice it, but my daughter is at an astounding rate and it is beginning to surprise me. For a while she has been rather constant and so I got used to her being who she was, but recently she has taken quite a few steps towards growing to be a person. It is exiting but at the same time humbling; my daughter still has no idea who she wants to be and will change her mind many times before she comes to any conclusion.

I hope that I can be of some service to her in making a good choice of who she wants to be. For now, however, I will just try to be here for her as much as I can be.

How hard can this be?

I find that at the start of every semester I ask myself that. It is usually right after all my teachers have taken the first class to introduce themselves and try to scare you off with tales of terrible projects (which are never as bad as the stories) and such.

Here is the point where I begin to worry, am I down playing something? Is there something that I did not understand as well as I thought?

I am now at the next stage, whatever. I have started now and there is no sense to rethinking it. So, new semester here we go. Oh, how I hope that I am up to the task.

Languages

The only two classes that I had today were English and Spanish (technical writing and literature, respectfully). It was an interesting experience for me as I am not a great student of either. However, I have teachers in both cases that are very exited and I am sure it will be a good year; busy but still enjoyable.

In my Spanish class we will be reading El coronel no tiene quien le escriba by Gabriel Garcia Marquez; the same author that write Cien anos de soledad. I decided to get an early start on the book and so read the first chapter. It was humbling, as it always is when reading in another language, to have to read two pages a couple of times before I could decide what had just happened. I guess that will get better as I go through the class. If nothing else I came up with an idea about what happened; hopefully one that is roughly correct.

Stories of Fantasy

Today is Labor Day and so, in keeping with tradition, my little family and I went to buy hardback books. I choose a book about dragons, a topic which I find very interesting, because it would be easier to finish with school starting tomorrow and all. While reading the book I was remembering a story that I am working on. I do not plan on it being any more then a family book but I want to write it anyway. My interest in dragons means that the story does involve the legendary creature. Another thing that caught my attention while reading the backs of books (a practice I much despise) was that it seems like every book is about a special sword or an unspoken destiny...it is infuriating how unoriginal we can be with stories. My hope is that my story is very different. Some things that I am trying to avoid or down play are:

• Chosen Person - Destiny Child
• Same old fantasy characters (elves, dwarfs, faries, yes I do use dragons - so kill me)
• Special objects (at least ones that the whole story revolves around)
• Over simplified feeling or characters
• Unexplained actions (that sounds like a way for an author to get a character to do something without having to justify it)

So, can I do it? Who knows? My wife always complains about how much the story changes each time I am working on it. It is that important to me that it not be like any story that I have ever read and not predicable. Can I write a really good story is the real question, I am not a writer. In that field I am very inadequate and I hope to some day get over it and write the story that occupies so much room on my computer and in my head. One thing I can say, I am in love with the story, even while I butcher and revamp it over and over again.

Love and Family

I have found in recent weeks that love is very much like a testimony of the Church; it must be feed or it starts to fade. Not that I was starting to love my wife any less but loving her had lost some of the giddiness that it had before. I have started recently to try to feed it more, not simply do more but think about it all more and watch what I am thinking about. It has made a huge difference. I feel that recently I have loved my wife more then I have in a long time.

Not only have I been trying to change my attitude and behaviors but this last week my wife and I went to her cousin's sealing. It was amazing to listen to the sealer and what he had to say, not because it was so profound but rather because it made me think more of my wife and how great she is.

Maybe it was a little step in becoming a less inadequate husband, regardless I will be implementing some of the things that I have learned for these recent experiences. I do not think that they are intricate puzzles that are now solved but will help. Another think that we have recently started on is a goal to go on a cruise together, I think planning a lover's get-away has also helped.

I love my wife, I hope that I can find some fun ways to show her just how much I do, feel free to share any ideas.

The Start of All Things

It could be said that all things must start somewhere, whether that is true or not is not the purpose of this blog; the purpose of this blog is to address how things start, not where. All things, thanks to God's great mandate, start in a perfect and glorified state; however, we tend to start things in a very different state; inadequacy.

Everything we learn we know inadequately long before we truly begin to understand it. Every project we begin, at its roots, was started inadequately even in our lives, we started out with quite of a few inadequacies.

Some of my own that I thought about when contemplating starting a blog and wondering what to do for it were these

• Web Programing
• Fatherhood
• Being an amazing Husband
• Dating
• Politics
• Teaching
• Writing

This is by no means a comprehensive list, but just a few things where I wish I knew more; that I was less inadequate.

It has been quoted, Our worst fear is not that we are inadequate, our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure (Nelson Mendela or Marianne Williamson, you decide). If that is the case then be prepared, for this blog will be an outpouring of my inadequacies in a hope that I can get better, learn more, and, if nothing else, get them off my chest.

Without further adieu I welcome you and me to Inadequacy, for truly it is Gods most loving encouragement to become something more then we are currently.